Tear Soup

Diane brought us the perfect book last week, Tear Soup. The inside flap describes this book as a glimpse into a woman's life as she blends different ingredients into her own grief process. I won't go into detail about the book but if you've lost someone dear to you, I strongly recommend this read. Also, I think you'll understand when I say that Steve will be making Tear Soup for the remainder of his life.

I know there are many people who wonder how Steve's doing. I don't think it's fair to give all the specifics of his grief on my blog, but I can tell you that he is not good. His healing is going to be a long and heavy haul. There is no miracle bandage to patch up the wound that swiped what Steven had for 36 years. There is no medicine that will quickly retrieve his heart from his stomach. There are no words that depict how much Steven misses his brother.

We've been fortunate to live by T & Mandy for the last 10 years. I can't tell you how many times we drive by each other every day. So a typical day for Steven would start by seeing T in his car. They'd flash inappropriate signs or act like they were going to crash or anything considered immature and juvenile. Then they'd generally text/razz one another about being late, who's the better racquetball player, who's taller, etc. If neither of them were in the middle of a coaching season, I'd dare say they heard from each other daily (even before cancer.) They also made good use of time while Mandy and I worked, usually watching or playing a game while the kids hung out. It was just how they planned it growing up, they fulfilled their dream of living by each other so they would stay close.

It's been 14 days since all that changed and it's crushing him. Sometimes I feel like I should remind him to breathe. I wake up to find him staring at the wall or the ceiling and all I can do is rub his head or tell him I love him. He hasn't wanted to go to work, but he does anyway. He is pushing on for me, the kids, Reed, and his other siblings but it's not without internal calamity and pain. A friend told me that she saw Steve the other day and he "painted" on a smile for her. It was an excellent description and though painting isn't his favorite hobby, he'll be doing it for quite some time. Tear Soup says grief always takes longer to cook than anyone wants it to.

I know his sadness will get better with time. I know Steve will survive this enormous loss, but parts of him went to heaven two weeks ago too. There are pieces and comforts that I won't ever see in Steve again, as long as I live...but I'm fairly sure we will weather this storm. I say fairly because one night when he was done watching the video of T's life repeatedly (knowing he has other siblings to lean on) I half-jokingly tapped his knee and said, "Now it's just you and me kid." He sighed and responded, "Yep, how are your racquet skills?"

Yikes! I guess we might be totally screwed after all.

Miss you T!!!