Merry Christmas Anyway

I took the term "light up my life" a little seriously this year. I never did like that song, but I figured we could use some extra cheer this season. What I cannot explain is why I spent so much time fixing up the outside when the inside has been in desperate need of cleaning and organizing for the last um...year and a half or so. Yes, that's when we moved in.

Maybe it's because no matter how hard I try or how many times I put things away, they return to the kitchen counter and table within minutes. In the past I've told people that I don't believe in magic but I'm officially recanting my statement due to the junk reappearing trick that happens in my kitchen on an hourly basis. Above is how the exterior looks and for your holiday pleasure, the interior is below.
I realize it's full of Christmas stuff, but do not be deceived, there's always a collection of this, that, and the other on there. It's awesome.

As much as I'd love to write more about my housekeeping measures, it's time to move on to something more nailbiting. I've recently become reacquainted with my good friend, mr. cough drop. It just wouldn't be Christmas without him. I'd like to thank him and his friend, the cough, for visiting me faithfully every November and December.

Of course, it's not surprising how much I think about past Novembers and Decembers now. There are so many precious memories and traditions in this time of year. They are bittersweet to remember right now but I suppose one day they will be more sweet than acrid. We have missed T painfully for six months. I try to prepare for the things we know we're going to miss before they arrive, but sometimes an emotion or a little forgotten memory springs up without notice.

Many people ask how Steve and the rest of the family are doing. It's a tough question to answer. The sadness and loss are ALWAYS there, below the surface. You never know the hour, day, or week that you're going to completely drown in it. It's not predictable or explainable. Mandy describes it perfectly as the hole. If you've lost a close person who you really, really, really love, you know that it's not just a hole in your heart, it's a hole in your entire being. The hole constantly takes your breath away, freezes your brain, stops your heart, and weighs down every organ in your body. It's so crippling that you can't believe what has happened and even after six months, you continually ask yourself if it's real. It's still hard to imagine that we don't have T, everything's so different without him, we love him so much.

Now that I've cried my eyes out, I don't know how to move onto the other things I wanted to say so I'll just end with this quote that's been on mind since I read it a month ago. It was originally attributed to Churchill but the quote police are now saying it wasn't him (too bad because it's a good one.)

"You make a living by what you get; you make a life by what you give" ~unknown

When it's all said and done, I would like to say that I gave as much love as I could, not just at Christmas but year-round. I'm still a work in progress.

Thanks to everyone for all the love you've shown us. Merry Christmas in the best way you can grab ahold of it. We love you all!

Grateful...Grateful Not...

Seems like I live in a world of "should's" that rarely turn into "did's" lately. I haven't updated my blog because I feel like I should write about what I'm grateful for since we're close to Thanksgiving now. I also feel like I should write equally about the happy and sad things we're experiencing, but when I sit down to write, the sad stuff takes over and I decide that I should not write after all. Instead of writing, I'll go public with my lists of both:

What I'm Grateful For

Good, happy children
Mint Oreos
Sweet, funny husband
Giving, loving family members
Gill, Colorado (because I can still feel my Grandpa there)
Friends who help you plant tulips in the snow because you procrastinated
Cootman
Friends who pretend to like coffee
Broncos kickin' ass and takin' names game
Insulin pumps
Ikea pillows
Antibiotics
Pink Houses
Furnaces
Mrs. Quarnberg
Cooperstown & Coolhand (Brooks would be bored out of his mind without them)
Cousins
Football
Good boss
A garage
Diet drinks

What I'm not Grateful For

Reading the article about dog fighting in LHJ
That "an eye for an eye" is no longer an acceptable form of punishment
Mint oreos
Physical pain associated with grief
Watching the love of your life experience true loss, complete heartbreak, & physical pain associated with grief (and having nothing to console such)
Cramps
Diabetes
Fat
Jewelers commercials
Early mornings
Losing Tug
Cankers
Laundry
Raiders
Chargers
People who eat just before teeth cleanings
Idiots who park in the school drop off zone every damn day

Maturity

It bugs me when 30-something year olds act like teenagers...

Time to grow up people...seriously.

New Sheriff in Town

It's been said that when you have a pet pass onto the other side, there's a possibility they can communicate to you through another animal. At this point in my life, I don't care if you call me crazy, insane, deluded, whatever, but I believe the theory. I'm not saying that Tug is trying to speak prophetics or guide me in any direction, but sometimes Coot looks at me in the just the right way and I know Tug is with me.

Cootman came to us while his family went on vacation in May. Coot was 9 months old and was on his second family, but they were also considering giving him away. He was urinating in their house, so they frequently kept him in the garage or tied him to a leash in the house. I don't fault my friend because Coot was the first dog her and her husband ever had. If you have a smaller dog, you are familiar with occasional accidents and clean-up. If you are Steven, you're not as patient about this either, but luckily you have a wife and kids that are.

Anyways, Coot being their first dog wasn't working out like they thought so we happily agreed to keep him. I swore I'd never get another pet after losing Tug. I didn't want to experience that heartache and emptiness ever again in my life, but then Tug sent us a little band-aid. Our new heart patch had the same name as our nephew Cooper, so we tweeked his name a bit (he never knew the difference) and here we have the Cootster.

He doesn't have many potty mishaps anymore and he is awesome with Emma and Brooks. He sits by Brooks every morning and gets read to, or talked to, or anything that provides attention.

He "helps" with dishes...He leaps super high for everything...

He "helps" me find stuff...

And mostly, Coot just follows me around and makes sure I'm never alone. I am someone's world again. I still kiss Tug's collar on my bedpost every night because I miss him earnestly, but when I kiss Coot on his temples, I am literally kissing Tug too. Those are the glimpses of heaven that I'm allowed several times a day and the saints know I need 'em.

Never Forget

In the midst of our recent months in hell, Trav has crossed many of our hearts and minds often. Karianne has also proven to be everything that we always knew she was. Through patience, diligence, and love, she has all the children under her roof again. I know Trav is proud of her and that his wings rest a little easier now that the girls are back in her care, with their brother, in the house that Kari & Trav put their hearts into.

When I think of Trav, I remember his gorgeous, long eyelashes. And his eyes sparkled so much that I had to use the red-eye fix on EVERY photo I ever took of him. I can also hear Trav's gentle voice, asking me how the kids are and him laughing at my sister giving him crap. My sister, Val, set Trav and Karianne up 11 years ago. Kari brought Trav on a family trip with us a little thereafter, and I still remember the way he made her laugh. We had all long gone to bed one night, but Kari and Trav remained awake, laughing for hours.

Trav always had his daughters with him too. Since Trav was Val's boss for a few years, I knew that he was a committed father who had worked hard to keep his girls after his divorce. That pretty much said it all for me.

It's been two years since we've seen this wonderful man, remarkable dad, and devoted husband. I HATE and LOATHE esophageal cancer with every inch of my heart. It may not be prejudice of who it hits, but it only takes the good ones, I swear.

We love you Trav! We miss you! We are trying to enjoy the "up's" because of you. We will never forget you Trav, ever.

Travis H. Beus, 36, passed away Wednesday, September 10, 2008, after winning a fearless battle with esophageal cancer and now he is finally home.
He was born July 9, 1972, to Keith and Linda Beus. He was raised in Warren, enjoying many years of horse racing with his parents, and playing football. He graduated form Weber High School in 1990 where he was a member of the Spiker’s Rodeo Club.
In 1993, Travis married Kellie Loveland and together they had two daughters, Ashtin (13) and Sydnee (11). They were later divorced. As a single dad, Travis willingly and lovingly raised two little girls, (one for each arm). His daughters were constantly by his side and will forever cherish their years with their daddy.
On October 6, 2000, two families became one when Travis married Karianne Carpio Valdiviezo. Along with her son, D.J. (16), they enjoyed numerous family vacations, camping, 4-wheeling, and hanging out at home watching all types of sports and car races.
Trav’s first priority was always his family; he was very involved with the kids’ schooling and activities. He was the definition of a “good guy”. He was a quiet, unassuming person who made friends easily and left a lasting impact with whomever he met. Throughout his life, Travis was positive, he had that never give up attitude and always rooted for the underdog. He touched the lives of many people; he will live on in all of us.
Travis was previously employed at Fresenius Medical and DFG, Inc., and currently worked at Hill Air Force Base.
He is survived by his wife and children, his parents, a sister, Traci (Wendell) Kenison, of Brigham City, and Grandma Henrietta Hess.
Travis was preceded in death by his grandparents, Tracy R. Hess, Henry and Wanda Beus, a brother, Corey, and a cousin, Kristie Jacobsen.
Our family wishes to thank family and friends, Dr. Vincent Hansen and his staff, the nursing staff at Salt Lake Regional Hospital, and the men and women of Hill Air Force Base who donated their annual leave. We cannot put into words the appreciation we have in our hearts and could not have made it through this last year without you.

Home Sweet Home

I must be getting older. I'm starting to look forward to sleep and delighting in the nights I get to stay home. I used to love being on the go. Having places to be made me feel important and fun. Lately, I'm happy when I look at the calendar and the day is completely blank. I secretly say a prayer to the schedule god that Steve won't want to go anywhere when he realizes we have nothing planned.

I'm not saying I don't want to be invited places or left out of things. I'm just thinking that a little simma down nah sounds relatively lovely. Maybe this is the slippery slope that leads to all social faux pas and destruction. One weekend of nothing eventful and the next thing you know, you're shopping at Wal-Mart in your pajamas.

Steve makes fun of the H-O-M-E deco I've placed on the mantle. We'll be sitting in the great room watching TV and he'll say, "Something tells me we don't just have a house...we have a home." Or out of the blue he'll ask a guest, "Are you getting an overwhelming feeling that you're at home?...We sure hope so." Thinks he's so funny, but I love being at home for so many reasons.

Hanging at home means that football has returned, and the recliner is mine every Sunday for the rest of the year! Home is where I know my kids are alright and blood sugar is stable for hours. Home stands for comfort and cuddling more with my Cootman. There really is no place like home...save The Lollipop Guild.

Hearts Amiss

I was going to try and write about something else today, but my mind keeps going to where my heart is...Steven without T.

It's been two months now. There have been many moments in the last 61 days when Steven's laugh is real and his jokes are genuine. I have seen more than flickers of happiness return to his face. We went to Steve's 20 year reunion last weekend and it was nice to see him have a good time with old friends. I am grateful to these friends for checking on him subtlety and getting him out.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that every day isn't completely full of gloom and sadness. There is light at the end of that colossal tunnel, but it's not always easy to see, especially when you're crawling to it.

We love you, T, and we miss you. Can't wait for hugs like this again, even if they're cheesy peesy.

My Own Personal Whys

Not necessarily meant to be answered, just throwing out questions I ask myself sometimes.

Why...

does Brooks walk into the room and turn on Spongebob, only to immediately stroll outside or down the stairs?

do wasps exist?

do I want a Whatchamacallit at 1am?

am I the only one in the household who puts new toilet paper rolls on the holder?

do I not like Black-eyed Peas music like 90% of Americans?

can't everyone check their noses and their children's noses before a teeth cleaning?

do I despise putting clean laundry away?

do my kids change outfits 18 times a day?

do mosquitoes love my blood?

can't some people just be happy for others who reach success, have great kids, do wonderful things, etc. without feeling jealousy or a need to compete?

can't Brooks' auto-immunity to the beta cells that make insulin just be reversed?

T? Why him?

does Coot bark more when Steven's around, the only one it bothers?

can't dogs live as long as horses?

is it hard for some people to admit they may have done wrong or caused hurt upon another? And is that really how they want to teach their children to be also?

does my husband see nothing wrong with transforming our garage into a batting cage when winter arrives?

can't I figure out how to make my blog header smaller? I feel like we're screaming HELLO READERS, WE'RE THE POLLS AND WE LOVE BALL!!!

do people, like myself, feel like they're intruding if they comment on an open blog? Every blogger knows we love positive comments from anybody and everybody.

am I starting to answer my whys?

do some heterosexuals care so much about gay marriage? Does it really destroy, damage, or physically hurt you as a human being or just your individual beliefs?

is it difficult to accept that others have different belief systems, especially beliefs that don't cause bodily harm to persons or animals?

am I singing, "What the World Needs Now is Love, Sweet Love...?"

can't washers and dryers live as long as horses too?

am I blogging instead of clearing out & organizing the last of our moving boxes when the space they're in looks like a county dump?

did an acquaintance ask the other day if I had seen So and So's big house?

does the size of someone's house matter more than the size of their heart, how their family's doing, or the type of person they are? Really???

don't I just go to bed before my why's get too impassioned?

Good night friends...or good day, depending on what time you read this :)

Poll Holiday

The Poll holiday is something our kids look forward to every year. A couple nights before this year's "escape," we viewed some video of our first Poll vacation. T & M's kids were here with us, and we conjured up some good chuckles watching me struggle as I looked to the water from the third platform at Lava. I went back and forth for what seemed like hours, deciding if I could do it. T and Chad's Angie put me to shame when they practically ran up to the third platform and jumped without restraint. When I finally decided to hurl myself off the stupid thing, I dropped in a perfect slant, a new leaning technique I was working on for the next olympics.

As the video played on, we migrate back to the camp and see Lana and Reed in a skipping race. Then the siblings join in and compete (more like cheat) in various runoffs. We can hear everyone laughing on the video, but I'm on the couch in tears at this point. I'm wondering how we've come to this. The kids are used to my blubbering now, so we blow it off and start talking about T's family renting the teepee and knocking on our door just after midnight. Turned out that Gus-Gus and other friends of Cinderella wanted to slumber with Gav & Co. too. Thankfully we were able to fit all seven of us in the illustrious Shag-wagon, a.k.a. my parents' ancient motor home. It was a cozy fit but it gave us more reasons to laugh and whether we slept or not, we were glad to just be together period.

I didn't have time to scan photos from that trip but I wanted to post a pic of T from one of our family trips to Bear Lake in 2004. T is holding Brooks and Skyla in one of my favorite photos ever.


We have never done anything bigger than Bear Lake or Lava, but that doesn't matter to any of us. We are happy to be together and I'm ecstatic every time I manage to finagle a way out of camping, blech. We planned to stay close again this summer because we were unsure where T would be in his treatment. I don't think any of us thought he wouldn't be with us. Even if our minds told us there was a chance, our hearts pushed it away. We are literally living in the world of Inconceiveable and even though we don't want to take the new roads that go along with it, we have to. This year's new road was short. Our kind and loving neighbors let us use their pool for the entire day and we only left for dinner and potty breaks.

The kids had a ball unijumping, playing overwater football toss, and tipping the mom's over while we lounged in the pool. It was nice that we didn't have to separate like we do when we hit the big aquatic centers. We recalled some great memories and had good conversation.

Later, we had a campfire, sang early happy birthday to Luke, then Cooper and Brooks told scary stories. Some of the parents and most of the kids slept under the stars in Reed's backyard that night. We woke up to a yummy breakfast that included a combination of chefs. Our last activity was a Raptor's game with fireworks following the game. We had a pretty swell time but as time went on, the void got bigger. We talked about T and did our best at keeping our chins up. We didn't talk about our emotions but I sensed most of us were on the verge of breakdown before the ballgame started. It was alot of family time without T and we couldn't help but miss him miserably. On the way home I told Mandy that the emptiness had returned full-force and we cried a little.

Overall, it was a positive occasion but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't difficult. We wished T were there with every moment that passed. Most of us are also now experiencing side effects because it's not easy adapting to life sans T. That being said, we had a good weekend and we were grateful to be together as a family.

Summer Stuff

Last time I blogged, Steve was having a hard time so I'm sure people are wondering how he's doing. It mostly depends on the day, but he is doing relatively better. He's on cruise control for the most part, sometimes braking for bad moments, but pushing back on the pedal so he won't completely plummet. Steve is good at hiding it, but he misses T with every pound of his heart. It's just going to be awhile.

We've been keeping busy with softball, summer things, and more softball. Brooks went to Diabetes Camp in S. Jordan last week and had alot of fun. It's was two-day camp from 9-4pm. Most of the counselors and kids had Type I diabetes so Brooks didn't have to explain anything to anyone. He said lunch time was funny because all the kids checked themselves at the same time and the room was filled with clicks. Brooks & I stayed one night down there so we could have some time away together. We saw a movie, played some air hockey, and swam in the pool. His favorite part about camp was the gymnastics activity where he did flips and tricks on an olympic-size tramp. They had other jumbo gym thingies there too and the kids loved it. When I picked him up, olympian music played and they were awarding medals to each participant. Here's Brooks with a flag he made and a carb-counter lei made of goodies and snacks.

We returned home to what else but more softball. EJ had a tournament in Brigham this time. They took 2nd place again and were initially disappointed that they didn't win it all, but they are winners to us. And really, the photo below explains why we really do it anyway...

I am pleased by our newest Blast addition, official team photographer, Uncle Jeff. If you've seen my recent photos on facebook, they are all from the talented work of my awesome bro-in-law. Thanks Jeff for capturing these precious memories, and to the whole family for the continued fan support! Emma loves having her family there to cheer her on.

Here's Emma running to 2nd...

It's all about staying strong, or at least trying...

As always, we miss you like crazy T, but you already know that.

Tear Soup

Diane brought us the perfect book last week, Tear Soup. The inside flap describes this book as a glimpse into a woman's life as she blends different ingredients into her own grief process. I won't go into detail about the book but if you've lost someone dear to you, I strongly recommend this read. Also, I think you'll understand when I say that Steve will be making Tear Soup for the remainder of his life.

I know there are many people who wonder how Steve's doing. I don't think it's fair to give all the specifics of his grief on my blog, but I can tell you that he is not good. His healing is going to be a long and heavy haul. There is no miracle bandage to patch up the wound that swiped what Steven had for 36 years. There is no medicine that will quickly retrieve his heart from his stomach. There are no words that depict how much Steven misses his brother.

We've been fortunate to live by T & Mandy for the last 10 years. I can't tell you how many times we drive by each other every day. So a typical day for Steven would start by seeing T in his car. They'd flash inappropriate signs or act like they were going to crash or anything considered immature and juvenile. Then they'd generally text/razz one another about being late, who's the better racquetball player, who's taller, etc. If neither of them were in the middle of a coaching season, I'd dare say they heard from each other daily (even before cancer.) They also made good use of time while Mandy and I worked, usually watching or playing a game while the kids hung out. It was just how they planned it growing up, they fulfilled their dream of living by each other so they would stay close.

It's been 14 days since all that changed and it's crushing him. Sometimes I feel like I should remind him to breathe. I wake up to find him staring at the wall or the ceiling and all I can do is rub his head or tell him I love him. He hasn't wanted to go to work, but he does anyway. He is pushing on for me, the kids, Reed, and his other siblings but it's not without internal calamity and pain. A friend told me that she saw Steve the other day and he "painted" on a smile for her. It was an excellent description and though painting isn't his favorite hobby, he'll be doing it for quite some time. Tear Soup says grief always takes longer to cook than anyone wants it to.

I know his sadness will get better with time. I know Steve will survive this enormous loss, but parts of him went to heaven two weeks ago too. There are pieces and comforts that I won't ever see in Steve again, as long as I live...but I'm fairly sure we will weather this storm. I say fairly because one night when he was done watching the video of T's life repeatedly (knowing he has other siblings to lean on) I half-jokingly tapped his knee and said, "Now it's just you and me kid." He sighed and responded, "Yep, how are your racquet skills?"

Yikes! I guess we might be totally screwed after all.

Miss you T!!!

SLC to Heaven

Steve and I like to go places. We like big cities, because usually big cities have big ballparks. And If you go to a really big city, they have two! We've been to plenty of big ballparks during our 15 years, some together, some apart. Everytime we get on the plane to return home, we make a list of all the major league ballparks we've been to, then we talk about the ones we have left, and which one we'd like to see next. I think they probably have a big ballpark in Heaven and they picked up a superstar last week, so naturally, we want to go there...right? It's number one on our "Next" list now, but when I type in Heaven under destination city, it says there aren't any airports that match my criteria. Damn it! We don't want to stay, we just want a roundtrip like usual, but for once, it's not that easy. For the first time ever, I can't find a ticket that gets Steve there and back. And for the first time ever, we cry about not being able to see their new MVP. We miss you T...life's going on, but we think about you every minute.

Our hearts are heavy and we're going on, but it's not without T in our thoughts constantly. Brooks had his first Baseball Club last night, and it was nice because it kept Steve busy. Emma has a tournament today so that will help too, but in everything we do, we think of T. He never leaves our mind, love him so much.

An Unwanted First

First day of my husband's life without one of his siblings and very best friend. He feels peace for T which I'm grateful for. He threw T's kids all over the couches and recliner last night, which I'm grateful for...for once. He looks lost and full of heartache. He is one of many who lost so much yesterday. Please keep those prayers a churning.

I LOVE YOU STEVEN, you carried your brother with such strength and love this week, sat by his side for countless hours. You are wonderful and your devotion is truly admiring. I'm proud to be your wife and mother of your children. I'm so sad to see you go through this. I LOVE YOU FOREVER BABES!!!

Never Imagined...

A life with Steven without his brother, T. Nope, it's still unthinkable. I know it's going to happen but I seriously CAN-N-O-T picture it. I have no idea what to expect or make of it. I don't think I've ever felt so helplessly unprepared in my life. Normally, I would've done some research by now, but I can't bring my brain and heart to actually accept the pain of such a devastating change in so many people's lives...people who I love the most.

It's hard to envision Mandy without Travis. I have been around since before they were dating and I can tell you that their love for one another is true and genuine. We haven't had oodles of time to do alot of couple things together the past few years. Kids and coaching kids put a limit on that, but we always talked about how we would try to find time later to start hanging out more again. So I sit here asking and then answering myself. Why didn't we just find the time then? Answer: Because we thought we had years galore ahead of us. We thought one day we'd be empty nesters together, and we would stay up playing speaker games and T's personal favorite time sucker, the "what if" talks. None of us was actually supposed to experience the "what if." It was just for fun, something to make us laugh, but now it will be something to miss, something to long for, something to remember. To tell you the truth, I didn't want to start remembering at 37.

Despite their busy schedules, I'm grateful that Steven and T were able to still find time for raquetball and lunches, and whatever else they did without Mand & I. My neighbor called one day and asked if Steve was home yet. I told him that I didn't know what he meant because Steven was in the back, working on the yard. He then informed that 20 minutes before that, he saw Steven & T moving a table in the Northridge area. I had not a notion what those two were up to half the time, I only hoped it didn't involve towing.

Words do not explain how close Steven and Travis have been their entire lives. Steve was trying to put a positive spin on all of this the other day and he said, "I can look at this two ways: I can be upset and angry that I'm not going to have my brother here anymore or I can celebrate the fact that I was lucky enough to have the best brother on earth for 35 years of my life. I don't know how many people can honestly say that, but I CAN!"

And he can. Steven couldn't ask for a better brother nor my kids a better uncle. We finally told them on Thursday that T would be on his way to heaven soon. Friday morning, Brooks was throwing up but seemed to be on the up so I asked him if his tummy was feeling better. He told me that his stomach didn't hurt but that he could still feel his heart breaking, that he didn't want T to go. My mind also has trouble visualizing T-buddy without his T-buddy. Nope...can't see it. We named Brooks 4 years before cancer crashed the party. We gave Brooks the middle initial of T because we wanted to honor Travis, and we knew Brooks would carry a middle name that stood for unprecedented example, value, and most importantly, love.

I don't know if T will read this before his journey, but I hope he knows that we will watch over Mandra, Gav, Coop, Sky & Pee-wee. There isn't a soul on earth who can take your place T, but we'll do all we can to help them and to keep your memory alive. We find gratitude in the legacy you'll leave us through them. We LOVE you and Mandy and your kids so, so much. You will be in our hearts and thoughts forever, T. Love without end. WE LOVE YOU!!!!

Losing the Heartbeat at My Feet

I got Tug during my fifth month of hygiene school. Steven was gone alot and everyone around me was having babies. I knew I couldn't have a human baby with my scattered school schedule, so I embarked on different baby. A handsome, hairy, and ever so precious little one whom I called Tug...Tuddy Buds...The Tuds...The Mommy's Boy.

Just as words cannot express how much Tug has meant to me over the last 13 years, words can also not describe the pain of losing him. Tug was far from perfect, but he was perfect for me. He never gave up on me. He lost alot of attention when Emma and Brooks arrived, but he stayed loyal and true. I don't know if I will ever be the person Tug thought I was or if anyone will love me as much as Tug did. Not saying that people don't love me, because I think my kids do (and probably Steven) but it didn't matter if Tug hadn't seen me for five minutes or five days, he let me know that I was his world with every greeting.

When I went to Key West last year, Tug went a little manic and started looking for me at the old house. He had wandered over to the yard at brown brick before, but while I was gone, he actually walked inside the old homestead in search of me. When the new homeowner tried to pick him up to bring him back, he bit her. Tug only bit a select few in his lifetime, mostly kids who took him past his limit, and it was usually only a warning nip at that. I always loved returning home to his loud welcome. I'm pretty sure that Emma and I were the only ones it didn't annoy ;)

Emma actually enjoyed some of the moments I was away because that's when Tug would go to her. Tug loved all of us, but he was especially cuddly with Emma. There were numerous times when Tug would be sleeping in Emma's lap and she would say, "Mom, when you walk by, don't look at or say anything to Tug okay?" We both knew that he would jump off or follow me if I gave him even the slightest glance

I have over 700 pictures of the Tuds on my computer, so it was hard to decide which ones to post. Below are two that Karianne took when we left Tug with her while the fam went to Disneyland. He waited for us to come back just after we left him:

But then fell asleep :(

There are plenty a trusted tale of Tug's speedy food heists and purse ransackings, but it would take hours to write them all, and I've cried long enough. We have a new arrival that has been comforting, but Tug was too special to ever be replaced. I'm willing to bet that Tug had a hand in this new bundle so he could experience a little peace up there.

I think about Tug every time I walk in the door, every time the doorbell rings, every time I crawl in bed, every morning I wake up alone, when I work on the flowerbed...alone, when I walk down the hall alone, go to the bathroom alone, do anything...alone. I've lost my sidekick and I miss him something wretched. Mommy loves you forever Tug!!!

Tender Wishes

Emma didn't wear a jacket to school this morning. The nice day we were supposed to have turned windy and cold, so I decided that I better take a hoodie up to her. I grabbed the first one I saw and three paper shamrocks fell from the front pocket to the floor. Maybe I'm just emotional these days, but they made me cry. Two out of three, so real and so selfless from a girl who's nearly 11. All I can say is:

Me too Sweetheart, me too...

Don't Give Up, Don't Ever Give Up ~ J. Valvano

For the three people who checked my blog this week, I love you. I don't know who you are, but you should be proud to say that you are not quitters. I'm sorry I deserted what I once loved. I can't promise what the future of this blog holds, but tonight I'm avoiding laundry and finishing my book club book, so here I write.

Now where to begin. I last wrote in July when I considered selling my beloved pretty-in-pink and asking McKay-Dee if we could permanently take up residence in a couple hospital rooms by the E.R. Sounded like a good idea to me - free diet coke and all you can eat rabbit-turd ice, 24 hours a day. But every good dream must end and Brooks has managed to reign in on his impulses to plug openings that don't need closing.

I'm willing to bet that my three devoted followers are on facebook, so you've probably seen what the Poll's have been up to. I guess I'll just highlight what I haven't mentioned on there. Christmas came and went, but a milestone was passed. Steve abandoned Christopher & Banks and moved over to the Buckle for my holiday clothing purchase. He claims to have sat outside the store and watched women enter and exit so he could pick out the best in this season's fashion (yes that was in Deb's voice.) I will miss the button sweaters about as much as I miss pulling sprinklers around the yard at brown brick.

I'm happy to announce some changes in myself as well. I've been born again and have found myself addicted to the Biggest Loser. My children are adjusting best they can. Emma is also absorbed with the show, but Brooksie just doesn't know what to do with himself when Mom's engaged to the television and the Broncos aren't playing. For the record, I LOVE Sam and Koli!!!

Speaking of Brooks, he'll be celebrating his 6th birthday next week and I'm celebrating only three more months of kindergarten. The boy wants to be with friends every waking and sleeping moment. If he doesn't have a pal at exactly 11:40, when he gets out of school, it's like roid-rage in the Barbie house - only Barbie ain't skinny and she sure as hell doesn't walk around with a smile plastered on her face.

Emma is getting ready to slap the softball around seriously again. She practiced here and there through most of the winter anyway, but the tournaments and league will be here before we know it. Her and I had the joyous opportunity to attend the maturation program yesterday. Steve suffered flu-like symptoms all day because of it. He ran my text usage up with rants of Daddy don't let your daughters grow up to be pretty and talk to boys. He's about 11 years too late since Emma came out of the womb all covered in gorgeous.

Basically, life is life as usual. Don't bother asking if I really wrote this at one in the morning. I always laugh when people ask me by email or on facebook if I was truly awake at that time. When I start going to bed before midnight, I'll be knitting Steve his own sweaters for Christmas.