Never Imagined...

A life with Steven without his brother, T. Nope, it's still unthinkable. I know it's going to happen but I seriously CAN-N-O-T picture it. I have no idea what to expect or make of it. I don't think I've ever felt so helplessly unprepared in my life. Normally, I would've done some research by now, but I can't bring my brain and heart to actually accept the pain of such a devastating change in so many people's lives...people who I love the most.

It's hard to envision Mandy without Travis. I have been around since before they were dating and I can tell you that their love for one another is true and genuine. We haven't had oodles of time to do alot of couple things together the past few years. Kids and coaching kids put a limit on that, but we always talked about how we would try to find time later to start hanging out more again. So I sit here asking and then answering myself. Why didn't we just find the time then? Answer: Because we thought we had years galore ahead of us. We thought one day we'd be empty nesters together, and we would stay up playing speaker games and T's personal favorite time sucker, the "what if" talks. None of us was actually supposed to experience the "what if." It was just for fun, something to make us laugh, but now it will be something to miss, something to long for, something to remember. To tell you the truth, I didn't want to start remembering at 37.

Despite their busy schedules, I'm grateful that Steven and T were able to still find time for raquetball and lunches, and whatever else they did without Mand & I. My neighbor called one day and asked if Steve was home yet. I told him that I didn't know what he meant because Steven was in the back, working on the yard. He then informed that 20 minutes before that, he saw Steven & T moving a table in the Northridge area. I had not a notion what those two were up to half the time, I only hoped it didn't involve towing.

Words do not explain how close Steven and Travis have been their entire lives. Steve was trying to put a positive spin on all of this the other day and he said, "I can look at this two ways: I can be upset and angry that I'm not going to have my brother here anymore or I can celebrate the fact that I was lucky enough to have the best brother on earth for 35 years of my life. I don't know how many people can honestly say that, but I CAN!"

And he can. Steven couldn't ask for a better brother nor my kids a better uncle. We finally told them on Thursday that T would be on his way to heaven soon. Friday morning, Brooks was throwing up but seemed to be on the up so I asked him if his tummy was feeling better. He told me that his stomach didn't hurt but that he could still feel his heart breaking, that he didn't want T to go. My mind also has trouble visualizing T-buddy without his T-buddy. Nope...can't see it. We named Brooks 4 years before cancer crashed the party. We gave Brooks the middle initial of T because we wanted to honor Travis, and we knew Brooks would carry a middle name that stood for unprecedented example, value, and most importantly, love.

I don't know if T will read this before his journey, but I hope he knows that we will watch over Mandra, Gav, Coop, Sky & Pee-wee. There isn't a soul on earth who can take your place T, but we'll do all we can to help them and to keep your memory alive. We find gratitude in the legacy you'll leave us through them. We LOVE you and Mandy and your kids so, so much. You will be in our hearts and thoughts forever, T. Love without end. WE LOVE YOU!!!!