Maturity

It bugs me when 30-something year olds act like teenagers...

Time to grow up people...seriously.

New Sheriff in Town

It's been said that when you have a pet pass onto the other side, there's a possibility they can communicate to you through another animal. At this point in my life, I don't care if you call me crazy, insane, deluded, whatever, but I believe the theory. I'm not saying that Tug is trying to speak prophetics or guide me in any direction, but sometimes Coot looks at me in the just the right way and I know Tug is with me.

Cootman came to us while his family went on vacation in May. Coot was 9 months old and was on his second family, but they were also considering giving him away. He was urinating in their house, so they frequently kept him in the garage or tied him to a leash in the house. I don't fault my friend because Coot was the first dog her and her husband ever had. If you have a smaller dog, you are familiar with occasional accidents and clean-up. If you are Steven, you're not as patient about this either, but luckily you have a wife and kids that are.

Anyways, Coot being their first dog wasn't working out like they thought so we happily agreed to keep him. I swore I'd never get another pet after losing Tug. I didn't want to experience that heartache and emptiness ever again in my life, but then Tug sent us a little band-aid. Our new heart patch had the same name as our nephew Cooper, so we tweeked his name a bit (he never knew the difference) and here we have the Cootster.

He doesn't have many potty mishaps anymore and he is awesome with Emma and Brooks. He sits by Brooks every morning and gets read to, or talked to, or anything that provides attention.

He "helps" with dishes...He leaps super high for everything...

He "helps" me find stuff...

And mostly, Coot just follows me around and makes sure I'm never alone. I am someone's world again. I still kiss Tug's collar on my bedpost every night because I miss him earnestly, but when I kiss Coot on his temples, I am literally kissing Tug too. Those are the glimpses of heaven that I'm allowed several times a day and the saints know I need 'em.

Never Forget

In the midst of our recent months in hell, Trav has crossed many of our hearts and minds often. Karianne has also proven to be everything that we always knew she was. Through patience, diligence, and love, she has all the children under her roof again. I know Trav is proud of her and that his wings rest a little easier now that the girls are back in her care, with their brother, in the house that Kari & Trav put their hearts into.

When I think of Trav, I remember his gorgeous, long eyelashes. And his eyes sparkled so much that I had to use the red-eye fix on EVERY photo I ever took of him. I can also hear Trav's gentle voice, asking me how the kids are and him laughing at my sister giving him crap. My sister, Val, set Trav and Karianne up 11 years ago. Kari brought Trav on a family trip with us a little thereafter, and I still remember the way he made her laugh. We had all long gone to bed one night, but Kari and Trav remained awake, laughing for hours.

Trav always had his daughters with him too. Since Trav was Val's boss for a few years, I knew that he was a committed father who had worked hard to keep his girls after his divorce. That pretty much said it all for me.

It's been two years since we've seen this wonderful man, remarkable dad, and devoted husband. I HATE and LOATHE esophageal cancer with every inch of my heart. It may not be prejudice of who it hits, but it only takes the good ones, I swear.

We love you Trav! We miss you! We are trying to enjoy the "up's" because of you. We will never forget you Trav, ever.

Travis H. Beus, 36, passed away Wednesday, September 10, 2008, after winning a fearless battle with esophageal cancer and now he is finally home.
He was born July 9, 1972, to Keith and Linda Beus. He was raised in Warren, enjoying many years of horse racing with his parents, and playing football. He graduated form Weber High School in 1990 where he was a member of the Spiker’s Rodeo Club.
In 1993, Travis married Kellie Loveland and together they had two daughters, Ashtin (13) and Sydnee (11). They were later divorced. As a single dad, Travis willingly and lovingly raised two little girls, (one for each arm). His daughters were constantly by his side and will forever cherish their years with their daddy.
On October 6, 2000, two families became one when Travis married Karianne Carpio Valdiviezo. Along with her son, D.J. (16), they enjoyed numerous family vacations, camping, 4-wheeling, and hanging out at home watching all types of sports and car races.
Trav’s first priority was always his family; he was very involved with the kids’ schooling and activities. He was the definition of a “good guy”. He was a quiet, unassuming person who made friends easily and left a lasting impact with whomever he met. Throughout his life, Travis was positive, he had that never give up attitude and always rooted for the underdog. He touched the lives of many people; he will live on in all of us.
Travis was previously employed at Fresenius Medical and DFG, Inc., and currently worked at Hill Air Force Base.
He is survived by his wife and children, his parents, a sister, Traci (Wendell) Kenison, of Brigham City, and Grandma Henrietta Hess.
Travis was preceded in death by his grandparents, Tracy R. Hess, Henry and Wanda Beus, a brother, Corey, and a cousin, Kristie Jacobsen.
Our family wishes to thank family and friends, Dr. Vincent Hansen and his staff, the nursing staff at Salt Lake Regional Hospital, and the men and women of Hill Air Force Base who donated their annual leave. We cannot put into words the appreciation we have in our hearts and could not have made it through this last year without you.

Home Sweet Home

I must be getting older. I'm starting to look forward to sleep and delighting in the nights I get to stay home. I used to love being on the go. Having places to be made me feel important and fun. Lately, I'm happy when I look at the calendar and the day is completely blank. I secretly say a prayer to the schedule god that Steve won't want to go anywhere when he realizes we have nothing planned.

I'm not saying I don't want to be invited places or left out of things. I'm just thinking that a little simma down nah sounds relatively lovely. Maybe this is the slippery slope that leads to all social faux pas and destruction. One weekend of nothing eventful and the next thing you know, you're shopping at Wal-Mart in your pajamas.

Steve makes fun of the H-O-M-E deco I've placed on the mantle. We'll be sitting in the great room watching TV and he'll say, "Something tells me we don't just have a house...we have a home." Or out of the blue he'll ask a guest, "Are you getting an overwhelming feeling that you're at home?...We sure hope so." Thinks he's so funny, but I love being at home for so many reasons.

Hanging at home means that football has returned, and the recliner is mine every Sunday for the rest of the year! Home is where I know my kids are alright and blood sugar is stable for hours. Home stands for comfort and cuddling more with my Cootman. There really is no place like home...save The Lollipop Guild.

Hearts Amiss

I was going to try and write about something else today, but my mind keeps going to where my heart is...Steven without T.

It's been two months now. There have been many moments in the last 61 days when Steven's laugh is real and his jokes are genuine. I have seen more than flickers of happiness return to his face. We went to Steve's 20 year reunion last weekend and it was nice to see him have a good time with old friends. I am grateful to these friends for checking on him subtlety and getting him out.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that every day isn't completely full of gloom and sadness. There is light at the end of that colossal tunnel, but it's not always easy to see, especially when you're crawling to it.

We love you, T, and we miss you. Can't wait for hugs like this again, even if they're cheesy peesy.

My Own Personal Whys

Not necessarily meant to be answered, just throwing out questions I ask myself sometimes.

Why...

does Brooks walk into the room and turn on Spongebob, only to immediately stroll outside or down the stairs?

do wasps exist?

do I want a Whatchamacallit at 1am?

am I the only one in the household who puts new toilet paper rolls on the holder?

do I not like Black-eyed Peas music like 90% of Americans?

can't everyone check their noses and their children's noses before a teeth cleaning?

do I despise putting clean laundry away?

do my kids change outfits 18 times a day?

do mosquitoes love my blood?

can't some people just be happy for others who reach success, have great kids, do wonderful things, etc. without feeling jealousy or a need to compete?

can't Brooks' auto-immunity to the beta cells that make insulin just be reversed?

T? Why him?

does Coot bark more when Steven's around, the only one it bothers?

can't dogs live as long as horses?

is it hard for some people to admit they may have done wrong or caused hurt upon another? And is that really how they want to teach their children to be also?

does my husband see nothing wrong with transforming our garage into a batting cage when winter arrives?

can't I figure out how to make my blog header smaller? I feel like we're screaming HELLO READERS, WE'RE THE POLLS AND WE LOVE BALL!!!

do people, like myself, feel like they're intruding if they comment on an open blog? Every blogger knows we love positive comments from anybody and everybody.

am I starting to answer my whys?

do some heterosexuals care so much about gay marriage? Does it really destroy, damage, or physically hurt you as a human being or just your individual beliefs?

is it difficult to accept that others have different belief systems, especially beliefs that don't cause bodily harm to persons or animals?

am I singing, "What the World Needs Now is Love, Sweet Love...?"

can't washers and dryers live as long as horses too?

am I blogging instead of clearing out & organizing the last of our moving boxes when the space they're in looks like a county dump?

did an acquaintance ask the other day if I had seen So and So's big house?

does the size of someone's house matter more than the size of their heart, how their family's doing, or the type of person they are? Really???

don't I just go to bed before my why's get too impassioned?

Good night friends...or good day, depending on what time you read this :)

Poll Holiday

The Poll holiday is something our kids look forward to every year. A couple nights before this year's "escape," we viewed some video of our first Poll vacation. T & M's kids were here with us, and we conjured up some good chuckles watching me struggle as I looked to the water from the third platform at Lava. I went back and forth for what seemed like hours, deciding if I could do it. T and Chad's Angie put me to shame when they practically ran up to the third platform and jumped without restraint. When I finally decided to hurl myself off the stupid thing, I dropped in a perfect slant, a new leaning technique I was working on for the next olympics.

As the video played on, we migrate back to the camp and see Lana and Reed in a skipping race. Then the siblings join in and compete (more like cheat) in various runoffs. We can hear everyone laughing on the video, but I'm on the couch in tears at this point. I'm wondering how we've come to this. The kids are used to my blubbering now, so we blow it off and start talking about T's family renting the teepee and knocking on our door just after midnight. Turned out that Gus-Gus and other friends of Cinderella wanted to slumber with Gav & Co. too. Thankfully we were able to fit all seven of us in the illustrious Shag-wagon, a.k.a. my parents' ancient motor home. It was a cozy fit but it gave us more reasons to laugh and whether we slept or not, we were glad to just be together period.

I didn't have time to scan photos from that trip but I wanted to post a pic of T from one of our family trips to Bear Lake in 2004. T is holding Brooks and Skyla in one of my favorite photos ever.


We have never done anything bigger than Bear Lake or Lava, but that doesn't matter to any of us. We are happy to be together and I'm ecstatic every time I manage to finagle a way out of camping, blech. We planned to stay close again this summer because we were unsure where T would be in his treatment. I don't think any of us thought he wouldn't be with us. Even if our minds told us there was a chance, our hearts pushed it away. We are literally living in the world of Inconceiveable and even though we don't want to take the new roads that go along with it, we have to. This year's new road was short. Our kind and loving neighbors let us use their pool for the entire day and we only left for dinner and potty breaks.

The kids had a ball unijumping, playing overwater football toss, and tipping the mom's over while we lounged in the pool. It was nice that we didn't have to separate like we do when we hit the big aquatic centers. We recalled some great memories and had good conversation.

Later, we had a campfire, sang early happy birthday to Luke, then Cooper and Brooks told scary stories. Some of the parents and most of the kids slept under the stars in Reed's backyard that night. We woke up to a yummy breakfast that included a combination of chefs. Our last activity was a Raptor's game with fireworks following the game. We had a pretty swell time but as time went on, the void got bigger. We talked about T and did our best at keeping our chins up. We didn't talk about our emotions but I sensed most of us were on the verge of breakdown before the ballgame started. It was alot of family time without T and we couldn't help but miss him miserably. On the way home I told Mandy that the emptiness had returned full-force and we cried a little.

Overall, it was a positive occasion but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't difficult. We wished T were there with every moment that passed. Most of us are also now experiencing side effects because it's not easy adapting to life sans T. That being said, we had a good weekend and we were grateful to be together as a family.