I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much ~Mother Teresa

I once posted the title quote for other family members who were going through their own scary trials. I absolutely did not intend for it to apply to me. I still wish it didn't, and for the first time in my life, I wish I had not been trusted.

My Sweet Boy, our Brooksie, was diagnosed with Type I diabetes last week. Brooks was urinating every 10-15 minutes so I called the doctor for an appointment. The nurse asked if he had the 3 other symptoms associated with diabetes and I told her that he really didn't. She reassured me that it probably wasn't diabetes then and asked if I still wanted to make an appt. I told her that I did, if not only for peace of mind. I never received that peace.

Instead, we were told to drive directly to Primary Children's to visit with the pediatric endocriniologist. I had no idea Brooks would be admitted for 2 days and that we would go through intense training on insulin injections and carbohydrate counting. I will not go into detail because it still hurts to recall those awful moments when you realize your child's life is forever changed.

So here we are, day 7 of giving our son 4-5 shots and finger pricks every day. Watching his every move and pleading for this to be nothing but a bad dream. Pleading to trade Brooks places even though we know the bargaining is pointless. We're no strangers to this useless bartering, but yet we continue the process. I know there are many parents who would trade us diagnosises and I know that this will not slow Brooks down, but I am his mom, and this isn't what I saw in his future.

These are my fears: I am afraid that people will not ask him to play at their house because they are nervous about him going to high or low. I am afraid that Brooks will feel unnecessarily different from other children. My heart breaks to think or write about it. I feel a little better every day but I still get down occasionally and its those times when I am afraid that I will never stop crying. I am afraid that last month's ride to hell is not roundtrip. Perhaps I am not the strong woman I thought I was.


But there is a bright side, Brooks is tougher than I ever imagined. He takes the needles and pokes like an ironman. He seriously hasn't skipped a beat. Also, I know that Brooks is being looked after by a new spirit in the heavens. People will believe what they may, but when the main nurse walked in and introduced himself as Travis, I knew it was nothing short of a blessing telling us that Brooks would be okay with his new protector. And by the way, thanks Trav. We will count it as an exchange for that Spidey yahtzee game you two never got to play.



Here's the spideyboy himself, getting blood drawn like a real man-

Brooks liked all the visitors and especially his black spiderman poster from Uncle Jeff which he made sure every hospital employee knew about. Unfortunately the camera ran out of batteries so I only got a pic of Andy & Kim. Before they came, we were right in the middle of a very important lesson from the pharmacist and Brooks was running from the foot of the bed and then bodyslamming himself into the head of the bed. Loud and frightening lightly describes the sound of the amusement Brooks was providing himself. Andrea and Kim liberated us once again.

Here's Brooks hiding in the cabinet. When his doctor told him goodbye at discharge, he told Brooks thanks for keeping the hospital in one piece. The doctor jokingly said he questioned otherwise after the many visits to our room.

Primary's is an amazing hospital. Their motto is "The child first and always" and they do live by it. Brooks saw this lifesize statue first thing and was immediately excited to stay.

He wanted Spidey to have a green bandage too

I'll picture him doing the same thing to my heart-

I wasn't kidding when I said Brooks had everyone wrapped around his pinky. He was so thankful to everybody. The patient's mom in the next room came and brought Brooks some toys because she said in the two days she had been there, she never heard a boy so appreciative and happy. She said she had fun listening to him talk to everybody. When we were leaving Brooks said, "Mom, thanks for bringing me," and then he turned and told the nurse, "Thanks for poking me." (Here I go, crying again)It's no secret that we are huge Denver fans. Another tiny blessing is that Jay Cutler, Broncos quarterback, also has type I diabetes. The cameras frequently show him checking his blood on the sidelines. Brooks thinks its cool that he has something in common with Cutler. Brooksie wore his #6 jersey two days in a row this week and only took it off because some food spilled on it. I was born with orange blood so Steve was a fan by association, but now his allegiance to Jay and crew is rock solid. Brooks has the heart and ability to be anything he wants and he will, no doubt, make his dreams a reality as well. Nick Jonas from the Jonas Bros also has type I diabetes so Brooks has many role models to show him he really can be all he hopes for. For now, he's just happy that he can still have his favorite- strawberries, ice cream, and M&M's. Sure he'll have to take a little more insulin for it but it's nothing his body didn't provide on it's own before. I also find comfort in knowing there are two other angels above watching over Mr. Energy himself, aka Brooks. Before last week, I was considering ceasing prayer altogether, but now I'll be wearing the knees out, praying for a cure. The doctor and staff said there will be a cure for diabetes in Brooks' lifetime. Some even say, it's about 10 years away, so please try to remember that in your prayers sometimes. And if you're a close friend or relative, plan on running, walking, and raising 'cuz we're going to try and speed up the proceedings whenever the opportunity arises.

In the meantime, if you're looking for a noticeable change in Brooks, good luck because you're not going to find it. If there are any odds against type I diabetics, Brooks will defy every single one of them. This disease will not define him. Brooks will be successful in so many other areas that people will forget he has it.

And as for your question Brooksie if "I'm just keeping you alive," the answer is yes, yes, and yes. I will do whatever it takes to always keep you here with us my Sweet Boy.

A Golden Medal

Move over Beckham, there's a new kid in shinguards. My only complaint was that Tuesday couldn't get here fast enough. Brooks' coach dropped off his jersey and schedule last Thursday. To say that Friday, Saturday, Sunday, & Monday was pure and drawn-out torture would be grossly understated. He repeated the countdown of days in 20 minute intervals every bloody, scathing day. Then he jumped out of bed yesterday morning, threw his arms up yelling and smiling, "It's my soccer game today!!!" Well okay, maybe the previous four days weren't so bad after all.

I had trouble taking a clear picture because he was bouncing with excitement the entire game. Reed once said that we'd all be better off if we enjoyed life as much as Brooks does. Brooksie asked me one morning, "Mom, will everyone be there going like this - Go Brooks, Go Brooks." They will now Sweet Boy.

Brooks and cousin Skyla strike a pose above during pre-game festivities (is he working on his Ronald McDonald grin?) I should mention that Brooks did score a goal too. At halftime below, the cousins completely devour orange wedges as proof that they were not fed dinner before opening kickoff.

We paid Karianne a little visit after the game and Brooks insisted on wearing his uniform so he could show it to her. As they were discussing different plays of the game, Kari said, "You didn't score a goal in your first game ever, did you?" Brooks said, "No I didn't. I scored a golden medal!"

That's right Poshie, I bet your little David didn't score a medal in his first game.

Happy B-day to the Laugh of My Life

I've had a few people tell me that my blog is making them cry. That's exactly whats good and bad about these blogs. You can really get inside someone's heart and sort of feel what they're going through. Thank you to all who have been "feeling" with me and my family. Your cards, breads, treats, and etc..have been so encouraging.

Now let's get down to real blogging here. My mood hasn't been such that I felt like posting about life being all pleasant and happy, but Steven did have a birthday on Monday and from the day I met him, he has made me laugh. My reasons for falling in love with him are many, but his humor and wit make the top of my list. Since I know we could all use a good laugh, I'll share some of his funny moments with everybody. He always says, "Jokes aren't funny when they hurt people" but its usually when I'm making fun of him. Here's a laugh at his expense so read it while you can 'cuz he might force me to remove these later...

Trying to convince me he was the perfect model for Renoir at the Chicago Institute of Art -

I was getting ready to snap pics for our Christmas card. His suggestion was this -
He even likes a good chuckle when golfing (thanks for the photo Kace) -

He couldn't wait to get his picture taken in front of the naked cowboy in NY-

And by chance you can't remember that just in case there's a flood when you're fixing things up -
The photographer told us to look at each other but of course, we couldn't do it without laughing. That's how this relationship works, it's not about who can love each other more, it's about who can make the other laugh more -
Happy Birthday Babes, thanks for giving me lots of things to bust a gut about. You know I love you!

Postscript: Steve's MRI came back clear. His headache's gone and he's healthy as a horse.

Love Without End

Trav used to read my blog. Whenever I wrote about Karianne, he would cry. One time I asked if writing about him made him cry, he said no, it was always the things I said about his wife that brought it on. One day Trav told Kari that he wasn't going to check blogs anymore because he was sick of being a boob, so I assumed he didn't read mine anymore. A couple weeks went by and Karianne told me something Trav said about my latest post. Confused, I told her that I thought he didn't check the blogs anymore. She said that he couldn't stay away. I don't know if angels cry, but if so, this one's for you Trav...

My family experienced one of the hardest things in our life today. We watched our dear Karianne kiss her husband goodbye for the last time on earth. We watched her life as she knew it change before our eyes. I wouldn't have minded being blind today.

I sat at the funeral and took it all in. I heard everyone talk about what a good guy Trav was, and that couldn't be more true, so I think Trav will appreciate me telling the rest of the story. Trav was also lucky in love- he found as good as person as he was to marry. Karianne is a loving wife and a dedicated mom. This past year required alot of juggling, patience, and selflessness. She pulled it off astonishly.

When Trav first started chemo, Karianne was doing it all. She went with him to treatments, made sure the kids had dinner and homework taken care of at home, and worked at the same time. She never failed to keep up on the kids' hair, doctor, and other appointments. She continued to take Syd to dance every week and carried double duties as a mother. She did have help but wanted to make sure their children weren't being neglected by her either. Many nights, Trav was sick from chemo, so caregiver was added to her list of responsibilities. I personally don't know if I could've handled it without acquiring a serious psychological disorder.

Later, Trav was in the hospital for months. She drove down to Salt Lake every day, spent all day with her hubby, and came home to take care of all the kids' activities. She even took Ashtin to the doctor for her back last Monday. To think of her schedule was draining. Now lets add that to the emotional stress of not knowing how Trav would fair, and it's unimaginable. Through all of it, Karianne remained positive and was still able to laugh and be appreciative of her life. She is stronger than I ever hope to be.

Everyone always talks about what a happy person Trav was. One of the last things he said was that he lived a good life because he had it all. Karianne was a big part of Trav's "all." He loved his girls AND Deej, AND he loved his wife very much. He appreciated all she did for him from the very beginning. Blending a family is hard and the first years of Kari & Trav's marriage took a little bit of work because he had his girls and Kari had DJ. They worked through the rough spots and evolved into a brilliant family. If you didn't know the situation, you would not have been able to tell who was the biological parent to which child. They each treated the 3 children the same. They are an exemplary ensemble. And btw, I love that special hand clap/shake Syd & DJ never stop doing lately!

Another thing I admire about Karianne, and I think Trav probably does too, is her spirituality. In addition to all the previous, Karianne taught Catechism every Saturday morning. "Big deal" all us mormons say cuz we all have our callings, but it's different in the catholic church because it is not like a calling. It's something you sign up for on your own. Nobody calls you into an office and asks you to accept it, you initiate your own service. The other thing Kari does is pick up all her nephews every Saturday morning to make sure they don't miss Catechism. She has made it a priority for Syd, Ash, & Deej along with other family members to gain a knowledge of our Savior and the important role that God plays in our life.

Through most of this trying year, Karianne succeeded at doing all of this on her own. She had trouble accepting help because she didn't want to burden others and she especially didn't want to be the cause of people's anguish. In Trav's last days, I texted her and told her how much I worried about her. She texted me back with an apology and was worried about me because my heart was breaking for her. I couldn't believe she told me sorry for that.

Watching Karianne & Trav's relationship evolve was a beautiful thing. They always laughed at each other and sometimes stayed in their own little world of just the two of them, even if they were surrounded by a big crowd. The cutest story was on Travis' memory post when the "spare" bowler said Trav never took his eyes off Karianne. That was them. They were constantly aware of where the other was and got anxious if they were apart for too long. I know many people see things better than they really were after someone has passed away, but it's not the case here. Kari & Trav's love for each other is obvious to even a stranger's eye. During Trav's latest stay in the hospital, his attachment to her swelled. He was much more relaxed and comfortable when she was with him.

One of the most fascinating things I've ever heard was during Trav's last moments. We all just couldn't imagine her watching him like that for much longer, it was taking a physical toll on everything about her. But that didn't matter to her and she sweetly told him to take as long as he needed.

Kari, I just want to tell you that I love you. You are an example of strength and courage in the truest sense. You are an amazing mom, step-mom, and wife. Val recited a Dr. Seuss quote in her speech today that goes, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I think I speak for our whole family and all your friends when I say, we're glad you both happened.

Travis H. Beus

July 9, 1972 ~ Sept. 10, 2008

We will never, ever forget you Trav!

Because I Am Thankful

I sit here on the laptop watching the Broncos complete pass after pass and it makes me happy. Unfortunately, it's not enough to take my mind off the many things my heart is wrapped around. My children are asleep on the floor in front of me. They have been running a fever and dealing with the big "D" (and don't mean Dallas or divorce) on and off all day. They are not 100% at this time.

My sweet husband remains in our bedroom with a pounding headache that feels like it will last forever. We spent hours in the E.R. yesterday only to find that Steve has viral meningitis. Since it is viral, it cannot be treated with antibiotics and will simply have to run its course. The doctor said meds won't take away the pain, they will only make it manageable. I should've had the doc clarify his definition of manageable. Steven is also not well. As if that weren't enough, they saw a small spot on the CT scan and scheduled an MRI for him tomorrow. They told us not to worry too much about the spot because it is probably just scar tissue and that many people have "spots" on the brain that are insignificant. I'm a Carpio and they tell me not to worry. That's pretty much like telling Michael Phelps to stay away from water. I'll keep you updated.

For various reasons, I'm able to look at it this way- I can be fairly sure my husband will live through the end of this week. I can picture a future with the love of my life. My children will be able to kiss their dad goodnight and wake up to him making them chocolate chip pancakes for countless more mornings. My heart pains for my aunt and their children, to the point where I feel as though it will burn right out of my chest. I am wrought with sadness for their situation but I am grateful that I have so many good people to hold me up as I try to make sense of it all so I can be strong for Kari. For that reason I write another list, this time it's for my reasons of gratitude.

I'm thankful...

1- For neighbors like the Brown's who brought us dinner tonight. It was yummy, yummy, yummmy! Shae even made fresh blackberry jam because she knows it Brooksie's favorite.

2- For a caring friend like Carrie who checks on me frequently and makes me PB bars when I'm down. I told her that they are my medicine and she's my pharmacist. I wasn't kidding. They really do make me feel better. I am totally addicted to these dreamboats. 3- For a best friend like my Old Same, Andrea, who calls me almost daily to make sure I'm okay and to see if there's anything she can do for Karianne. She's a social worker and she tried relentlessly to bring Trav home by calling every homecare and respiratory connection she had in the state of Utah. Andy spent oodles of time making phone calls because she knows how much Kari & Trav mean to my family. We have been friends for 30 years. I am so lucky to have a friend that is there in a moment's notice, whenever, wherever. (a pic of Andrea, Carrie, and myself in NY 6 yrs ago. Ol' Orange is for you Care) 4-For a husband who gets excited about finding coveralls at a local garage sale. He thought he hit the lottery when he found these. As you can see, he also likes to "play" mechanic. I say play because I was the last one to check and place antifreeze in the bone-dry overflow compartments of both vehicles. I did not wear coveralls.
5- For a bro-in-law who calls several times a day to check on his brother and has traded places in the worrying dept. He also offers to take the kids 50 times a day as well as picked a perfect outfit from our closet for Brooks on Sunday. I was impressed. T even called to see if he could bring me a shake tonight (Steven too of course) Picture portrays the one day they dreamed of joining Hell's Angels. 6- For my loyal sister who cries with me and understands that I try my best to be a good person. She is the best person in the whole world.

6-For these two because they make the rain not seem so bad7- For a reliable father-in-law who doesn't ask for much but is always willing to help 8- For Trav because he taught us to appreciate every minute life gives and for leaving us a great example of a really nice guy who showed us the true meaning of being an extraordinary Dad and an exceptional husband. I will remind Brooks how much he liked Trav when he can't remember him anymore. 9- For all your calls and notes of concern, for remembering to place names in the temple, and for your prayers, REALLY!

10- For HIS promise that we should fear not, because I'm extremely afraid of what's to come.Thank you to all my wonderful friends for your constant kindness. I honestly feel blessed to have such a great support system!

You say Y, I Say Why?

That's right, why? Because I married a BYU fan. Why? Because the BYU fan I married is really funny, unquestionably handsome, and treats me like a queen.

This be Rippy, Cooperstown, Padre, G-Money from left to right (as named by Steven.) I still can't believe it myself. I know you're thinking I should just get over it but its like I've said a thousand times, you don't grow up Catholic in Utah liking the Cougars. And now I'm raising fans of the Y. Hey, shit happens ok.

Brooks & Coop didn't quite make it through the second half. Rolling down the hill is funner than watching the Cougs roll over Northern Iowa.

I told Steve that me condoning their love for the blue & white was compromise enough, I was not about to shampoo this out of Sweet Boy's hair as well. The entire tub was blue but I still can't get the blue flakes out of the bath mat. Umph, the things I agree to.