Hearts Amiss

I was going to try and write about something else today, but my mind keeps going to where my heart is...Steven without T.

It's been two months now. There have been many moments in the last 61 days when Steven's laugh is real and his jokes are genuine. I have seen more than flickers of happiness return to his face. We went to Steve's 20 year reunion last weekend and it was nice to see him have a good time with old friends. I am grateful to these friends for checking on him subtlety and getting him out.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that every day isn't completely full of gloom and sadness. There is light at the end of that colossal tunnel, but it's not always easy to see, especially when you're crawling to it.

We love you, T, and we miss you. Can't wait for hugs like this again, even if they're cheesy peesy.

My Own Personal Whys

Not necessarily meant to be answered, just throwing out questions I ask myself sometimes.

Why...

does Brooks walk into the room and turn on Spongebob, only to immediately stroll outside or down the stairs?

do wasps exist?

do I want a Whatchamacallit at 1am?

am I the only one in the household who puts new toilet paper rolls on the holder?

do I not like Black-eyed Peas music like 90% of Americans?

can't everyone check their noses and their children's noses before a teeth cleaning?

do I despise putting clean laundry away?

do my kids change outfits 18 times a day?

do mosquitoes love my blood?

can't some people just be happy for others who reach success, have great kids, do wonderful things, etc. without feeling jealousy or a need to compete?

can't Brooks' auto-immunity to the beta cells that make insulin just be reversed?

T? Why him?

does Coot bark more when Steven's around, the only one it bothers?

can't dogs live as long as horses?

is it hard for some people to admit they may have done wrong or caused hurt upon another? And is that really how they want to teach their children to be also?

does my husband see nothing wrong with transforming our garage into a batting cage when winter arrives?

can't I figure out how to make my blog header smaller? I feel like we're screaming HELLO READERS, WE'RE THE POLLS AND WE LOVE BALL!!!

do people, like myself, feel like they're intruding if they comment on an open blog? Every blogger knows we love positive comments from anybody and everybody.

am I starting to answer my whys?

do some heterosexuals care so much about gay marriage? Does it really destroy, damage, or physically hurt you as a human being or just your individual beliefs?

is it difficult to accept that others have different belief systems, especially beliefs that don't cause bodily harm to persons or animals?

am I singing, "What the World Needs Now is Love, Sweet Love...?"

can't washers and dryers live as long as horses too?

am I blogging instead of clearing out & organizing the last of our moving boxes when the space they're in looks like a county dump?

did an acquaintance ask the other day if I had seen So and So's big house?

does the size of someone's house matter more than the size of their heart, how their family's doing, or the type of person they are? Really???

don't I just go to bed before my why's get too impassioned?

Good night friends...or good day, depending on what time you read this :)

Poll Holiday

The Poll holiday is something our kids look forward to every year. A couple nights before this year's "escape," we viewed some video of our first Poll vacation. T & M's kids were here with us, and we conjured up some good chuckles watching me struggle as I looked to the water from the third platform at Lava. I went back and forth for what seemed like hours, deciding if I could do it. T and Chad's Angie put me to shame when they practically ran up to the third platform and jumped without restraint. When I finally decided to hurl myself off the stupid thing, I dropped in a perfect slant, a new leaning technique I was working on for the next olympics.

As the video played on, we migrate back to the camp and see Lana and Reed in a skipping race. Then the siblings join in and compete (more like cheat) in various runoffs. We can hear everyone laughing on the video, but I'm on the couch in tears at this point. I'm wondering how we've come to this. The kids are used to my blubbering now, so we blow it off and start talking about T's family renting the teepee and knocking on our door just after midnight. Turned out that Gus-Gus and other friends of Cinderella wanted to slumber with Gav & Co. too. Thankfully we were able to fit all seven of us in the illustrious Shag-wagon, a.k.a. my parents' ancient motor home. It was a cozy fit but it gave us more reasons to laugh and whether we slept or not, we were glad to just be together period.

I didn't have time to scan photos from that trip but I wanted to post a pic of T from one of our family trips to Bear Lake in 2004. T is holding Brooks and Skyla in one of my favorite photos ever.


We have never done anything bigger than Bear Lake or Lava, but that doesn't matter to any of us. We are happy to be together and I'm ecstatic every time I manage to finagle a way out of camping, blech. We planned to stay close again this summer because we were unsure where T would be in his treatment. I don't think any of us thought he wouldn't be with us. Even if our minds told us there was a chance, our hearts pushed it away. We are literally living in the world of Inconceiveable and even though we don't want to take the new roads that go along with it, we have to. This year's new road was short. Our kind and loving neighbors let us use their pool for the entire day and we only left for dinner and potty breaks.

The kids had a ball unijumping, playing overwater football toss, and tipping the mom's over while we lounged in the pool. It was nice that we didn't have to separate like we do when we hit the big aquatic centers. We recalled some great memories and had good conversation.

Later, we had a campfire, sang early happy birthday to Luke, then Cooper and Brooks told scary stories. Some of the parents and most of the kids slept under the stars in Reed's backyard that night. We woke up to a yummy breakfast that included a combination of chefs. Our last activity was a Raptor's game with fireworks following the game. We had a pretty swell time but as time went on, the void got bigger. We talked about T and did our best at keeping our chins up. We didn't talk about our emotions but I sensed most of us were on the verge of breakdown before the ballgame started. It was alot of family time without T and we couldn't help but miss him miserably. On the way home I told Mandy that the emptiness had returned full-force and we cried a little.

Overall, it was a positive occasion but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't difficult. We wished T were there with every moment that passed. Most of us are also now experiencing side effects because it's not easy adapting to life sans T. That being said, we had a good weekend and we were grateful to be together as a family.

Summer Stuff

Last time I blogged, Steve was having a hard time so I'm sure people are wondering how he's doing. It mostly depends on the day, but he is doing relatively better. He's on cruise control for the most part, sometimes braking for bad moments, but pushing back on the pedal so he won't completely plummet. Steve is good at hiding it, but he misses T with every pound of his heart. It's just going to be awhile.

We've been keeping busy with softball, summer things, and more softball. Brooks went to Diabetes Camp in S. Jordan last week and had alot of fun. It's was two-day camp from 9-4pm. Most of the counselors and kids had Type I diabetes so Brooks didn't have to explain anything to anyone. He said lunch time was funny because all the kids checked themselves at the same time and the room was filled with clicks. Brooks & I stayed one night down there so we could have some time away together. We saw a movie, played some air hockey, and swam in the pool. His favorite part about camp was the gymnastics activity where he did flips and tricks on an olympic-size tramp. They had other jumbo gym thingies there too and the kids loved it. When I picked him up, olympian music played and they were awarding medals to each participant. Here's Brooks with a flag he made and a carb-counter lei made of goodies and snacks.

We returned home to what else but more softball. EJ had a tournament in Brigham this time. They took 2nd place again and were initially disappointed that they didn't win it all, but they are winners to us. And really, the photo below explains why we really do it anyway...

I am pleased by our newest Blast addition, official team photographer, Uncle Jeff. If you've seen my recent photos on facebook, they are all from the talented work of my awesome bro-in-law. Thanks Jeff for capturing these precious memories, and to the whole family for the continued fan support! Emma loves having her family there to cheer her on.

Here's Emma running to 2nd...

It's all about staying strong, or at least trying...

As always, we miss you like crazy T, but you already know that.

Tear Soup

Diane brought us the perfect book last week, Tear Soup. The inside flap describes this book as a glimpse into a woman's life as she blends different ingredients into her own grief process. I won't go into detail about the book but if you've lost someone dear to you, I strongly recommend this read. Also, I think you'll understand when I say that Steve will be making Tear Soup for the remainder of his life.

I know there are many people who wonder how Steve's doing. I don't think it's fair to give all the specifics of his grief on my blog, but I can tell you that he is not good. His healing is going to be a long and heavy haul. There is no miracle bandage to patch up the wound that swiped what Steven had for 36 years. There is no medicine that will quickly retrieve his heart from his stomach. There are no words that depict how much Steven misses his brother.

We've been fortunate to live by T & Mandy for the last 10 years. I can't tell you how many times we drive by each other every day. So a typical day for Steven would start by seeing T in his car. They'd flash inappropriate signs or act like they were going to crash or anything considered immature and juvenile. Then they'd generally text/razz one another about being late, who's the better racquetball player, who's taller, etc. If neither of them were in the middle of a coaching season, I'd dare say they heard from each other daily (even before cancer.) They also made good use of time while Mandy and I worked, usually watching or playing a game while the kids hung out. It was just how they planned it growing up, they fulfilled their dream of living by each other so they would stay close.

It's been 14 days since all that changed and it's crushing him. Sometimes I feel like I should remind him to breathe. I wake up to find him staring at the wall or the ceiling and all I can do is rub his head or tell him I love him. He hasn't wanted to go to work, but he does anyway. He is pushing on for me, the kids, Reed, and his other siblings but it's not without internal calamity and pain. A friend told me that she saw Steve the other day and he "painted" on a smile for her. It was an excellent description and though painting isn't his favorite hobby, he'll be doing it for quite some time. Tear Soup says grief always takes longer to cook than anyone wants it to.

I know his sadness will get better with time. I know Steve will survive this enormous loss, but parts of him went to heaven two weeks ago too. There are pieces and comforts that I won't ever see in Steve again, as long as I live...but I'm fairly sure we will weather this storm. I say fairly because one night when he was done watching the video of T's life repeatedly (knowing he has other siblings to lean on) I half-jokingly tapped his knee and said, "Now it's just you and me kid." He sighed and responded, "Yep, how are your racquet skills?"

Yikes! I guess we might be totally screwed after all.

Miss you T!!!

SLC to Heaven

Steve and I like to go places. We like big cities, because usually big cities have big ballparks. And If you go to a really big city, they have two! We've been to plenty of big ballparks during our 15 years, some together, some apart. Everytime we get on the plane to return home, we make a list of all the major league ballparks we've been to, then we talk about the ones we have left, and which one we'd like to see next. I think they probably have a big ballpark in Heaven and they picked up a superstar last week, so naturally, we want to go there...right? It's number one on our "Next" list now, but when I type in Heaven under destination city, it says there aren't any airports that match my criteria. Damn it! We don't want to stay, we just want a roundtrip like usual, but for once, it's not that easy. For the first time ever, I can't find a ticket that gets Steve there and back. And for the first time ever, we cry about not being able to see their new MVP. We miss you T...life's going on, but we think about you every minute.

Our hearts are heavy and we're going on, but it's not without T in our thoughts constantly. Brooks had his first Baseball Club last night, and it was nice because it kept Steve busy. Emma has a tournament today so that will help too, but in everything we do, we think of T. He never leaves our mind, love him so much.

An Unwanted First

First day of my husband's life without one of his siblings and very best friend. He feels peace for T which I'm grateful for. He threw T's kids all over the couches and recliner last night, which I'm grateful for...for once. He looks lost and full of heartache. He is one of many who lost so much yesterday. Please keep those prayers a churning.

I LOVE YOU STEVEN, you carried your brother with such strength and love this week, sat by his side for countless hours. You are wonderful and your devotion is truly admiring. I'm proud to be your wife and mother of your children. I'm so sad to see you go through this. I LOVE YOU FOREVER BABES!!!