Tear Soup

Diane brought us the perfect book last week, Tear Soup. The inside flap describes this book as a glimpse into a woman's life as she blends different ingredients into her own grief process. I won't go into detail about the book but if you've lost someone dear to you, I strongly recommend this read. Also, I think you'll understand when I say that Steve will be making Tear Soup for the remainder of his life.

I know there are many people who wonder how Steve's doing. I don't think it's fair to give all the specifics of his grief on my blog, but I can tell you that he is not good. His healing is going to be a long and heavy haul. There is no miracle bandage to patch up the wound that swiped what Steven had for 36 years. There is no medicine that will quickly retrieve his heart from his stomach. There are no words that depict how much Steven misses his brother.

We've been fortunate to live by T & Mandy for the last 10 years. I can't tell you how many times we drive by each other every day. So a typical day for Steven would start by seeing T in his car. They'd flash inappropriate signs or act like they were going to crash or anything considered immature and juvenile. Then they'd generally text/razz one another about being late, who's the better racquetball player, who's taller, etc. If neither of them were in the middle of a coaching season, I'd dare say they heard from each other daily (even before cancer.) They also made good use of time while Mandy and I worked, usually watching or playing a game while the kids hung out. It was just how they planned it growing up, they fulfilled their dream of living by each other so they would stay close.

It's been 14 days since all that changed and it's crushing him. Sometimes I feel like I should remind him to breathe. I wake up to find him staring at the wall or the ceiling and all I can do is rub his head or tell him I love him. He hasn't wanted to go to work, but he does anyway. He is pushing on for me, the kids, Reed, and his other siblings but it's not without internal calamity and pain. A friend told me that she saw Steve the other day and he "painted" on a smile for her. It was an excellent description and though painting isn't his favorite hobby, he'll be doing it for quite some time. Tear Soup says grief always takes longer to cook than anyone wants it to.

I know his sadness will get better with time. I know Steve will survive this enormous loss, but parts of him went to heaven two weeks ago too. There are pieces and comforts that I won't ever see in Steve again, as long as I live...but I'm fairly sure we will weather this storm. I say fairly because one night when he was done watching the video of T's life repeatedly (knowing he has other siblings to lean on) I half-jokingly tapped his knee and said, "Now it's just you and me kid." He sighed and responded, "Yep, how are your racquet skills?"

Yikes! I guess we might be totally screwed after all.

Miss you T!!!

SLC to Heaven

Steve and I like to go places. We like big cities, because usually big cities have big ballparks. And If you go to a really big city, they have two! We've been to plenty of big ballparks during our 15 years, some together, some apart. Everytime we get on the plane to return home, we make a list of all the major league ballparks we've been to, then we talk about the ones we have left, and which one we'd like to see next. I think they probably have a big ballpark in Heaven and they picked up a superstar last week, so naturally, we want to go there...right? It's number one on our "Next" list now, but when I type in Heaven under destination city, it says there aren't any airports that match my criteria. Damn it! We don't want to stay, we just want a roundtrip like usual, but for once, it's not that easy. For the first time ever, I can't find a ticket that gets Steve there and back. And for the first time ever, we cry about not being able to see their new MVP. We miss you T...life's going on, but we think about you every minute.

Our hearts are heavy and we're going on, but it's not without T in our thoughts constantly. Brooks had his first Baseball Club last night, and it was nice because it kept Steve busy. Emma has a tournament today so that will help too, but in everything we do, we think of T. He never leaves our mind, love him so much.

An Unwanted First

First day of my husband's life without one of his siblings and very best friend. He feels peace for T which I'm grateful for. He threw T's kids all over the couches and recliner last night, which I'm grateful for...for once. He looks lost and full of heartache. He is one of many who lost so much yesterday. Please keep those prayers a churning.

I LOVE YOU STEVEN, you carried your brother with such strength and love this week, sat by his side for countless hours. You are wonderful and your devotion is truly admiring. I'm proud to be your wife and mother of your children. I'm so sad to see you go through this. I LOVE YOU FOREVER BABES!!!

Never Imagined...

A life with Steven without his brother, T. Nope, it's still unthinkable. I know it's going to happen but I seriously CAN-N-O-T picture it. I have no idea what to expect or make of it. I don't think I've ever felt so helplessly unprepared in my life. Normally, I would've done some research by now, but I can't bring my brain and heart to actually accept the pain of such a devastating change in so many people's lives...people who I love the most.

It's hard to envision Mandy without Travis. I have been around since before they were dating and I can tell you that their love for one another is true and genuine. We haven't had oodles of time to do alot of couple things together the past few years. Kids and coaching kids put a limit on that, but we always talked about how we would try to find time later to start hanging out more again. So I sit here asking and then answering myself. Why didn't we just find the time then? Answer: Because we thought we had years galore ahead of us. We thought one day we'd be empty nesters together, and we would stay up playing speaker games and T's personal favorite time sucker, the "what if" talks. None of us was actually supposed to experience the "what if." It was just for fun, something to make us laugh, but now it will be something to miss, something to long for, something to remember. To tell you the truth, I didn't want to start remembering at 37.

Despite their busy schedules, I'm grateful that Steven and T were able to still find time for raquetball and lunches, and whatever else they did without Mand & I. My neighbor called one day and asked if Steve was home yet. I told him that I didn't know what he meant because Steven was in the back, working on the yard. He then informed that 20 minutes before that, he saw Steven & T moving a table in the Northridge area. I had not a notion what those two were up to half the time, I only hoped it didn't involve towing.

Words do not explain how close Steven and Travis have been their entire lives. Steve was trying to put a positive spin on all of this the other day and he said, "I can look at this two ways: I can be upset and angry that I'm not going to have my brother here anymore or I can celebrate the fact that I was lucky enough to have the best brother on earth for 35 years of my life. I don't know how many people can honestly say that, but I CAN!"

And he can. Steven couldn't ask for a better brother nor my kids a better uncle. We finally told them on Thursday that T would be on his way to heaven soon. Friday morning, Brooks was throwing up but seemed to be on the up so I asked him if his tummy was feeling better. He told me that his stomach didn't hurt but that he could still feel his heart breaking, that he didn't want T to go. My mind also has trouble visualizing T-buddy without his T-buddy. Nope...can't see it. We named Brooks 4 years before cancer crashed the party. We gave Brooks the middle initial of T because we wanted to honor Travis, and we knew Brooks would carry a middle name that stood for unprecedented example, value, and most importantly, love.

I don't know if T will read this before his journey, but I hope he knows that we will watch over Mandra, Gav, Coop, Sky & Pee-wee. There isn't a soul on earth who can take your place T, but we'll do all we can to help them and to keep your memory alive. We find gratitude in the legacy you'll leave us through them. We LOVE you and Mandy and your kids so, so much. You will be in our hearts and thoughts forever, T. Love without end. WE LOVE YOU!!!!

Losing the Heartbeat at My Feet

I got Tug during my fifth month of hygiene school. Steven was gone alot and everyone around me was having babies. I knew I couldn't have a human baby with my scattered school schedule, so I embarked on different baby. A handsome, hairy, and ever so precious little one whom I called Tug...Tuddy Buds...The Tuds...The Mommy's Boy.

Just as words cannot express how much Tug has meant to me over the last 13 years, words can also not describe the pain of losing him. Tug was far from perfect, but he was perfect for me. He never gave up on me. He lost alot of attention when Emma and Brooks arrived, but he stayed loyal and true. I don't know if I will ever be the person Tug thought I was or if anyone will love me as much as Tug did. Not saying that people don't love me, because I think my kids do (and probably Steven) but it didn't matter if Tug hadn't seen me for five minutes or five days, he let me know that I was his world with every greeting.

When I went to Key West last year, Tug went a little manic and started looking for me at the old house. He had wandered over to the yard at brown brick before, but while I was gone, he actually walked inside the old homestead in search of me. When the new homeowner tried to pick him up to bring him back, he bit her. Tug only bit a select few in his lifetime, mostly kids who took him past his limit, and it was usually only a warning nip at that. I always loved returning home to his loud welcome. I'm pretty sure that Emma and I were the only ones it didn't annoy ;)

Emma actually enjoyed some of the moments I was away because that's when Tug would go to her. Tug loved all of us, but he was especially cuddly with Emma. There were numerous times when Tug would be sleeping in Emma's lap and she would say, "Mom, when you walk by, don't look at or say anything to Tug okay?" We both knew that he would jump off or follow me if I gave him even the slightest glance

I have over 700 pictures of the Tuds on my computer, so it was hard to decide which ones to post. Below are two that Karianne took when we left Tug with her while the fam went to Disneyland. He waited for us to come back just after we left him:

But then fell asleep :(

There are plenty a trusted tale of Tug's speedy food heists and purse ransackings, but it would take hours to write them all, and I've cried long enough. We have a new arrival that has been comforting, but Tug was too special to ever be replaced. I'm willing to bet that Tug had a hand in this new bundle so he could experience a little peace up there.

I think about Tug every time I walk in the door, every time the doorbell rings, every time I crawl in bed, every morning I wake up alone, when I work on the flowerbed...alone, when I walk down the hall alone, go to the bathroom alone, do anything...alone. I've lost my sidekick and I miss him something wretched. Mommy loves you forever Tug!!!

Tender Wishes

Emma didn't wear a jacket to school this morning. The nice day we were supposed to have turned windy and cold, so I decided that I better take a hoodie up to her. I grabbed the first one I saw and three paper shamrocks fell from the front pocket to the floor. Maybe I'm just emotional these days, but they made me cry. Two out of three, so real and so selfless from a girl who's nearly 11. All I can say is:

Me too Sweetheart, me too...

Don't Give Up, Don't Ever Give Up ~ J. Valvano

For the three people who checked my blog this week, I love you. I don't know who you are, but you should be proud to say that you are not quitters. I'm sorry I deserted what I once loved. I can't promise what the future of this blog holds, but tonight I'm avoiding laundry and finishing my book club book, so here I write.

Now where to begin. I last wrote in July when I considered selling my beloved pretty-in-pink and asking McKay-Dee if we could permanently take up residence in a couple hospital rooms by the E.R. Sounded like a good idea to me - free diet coke and all you can eat rabbit-turd ice, 24 hours a day. But every good dream must end and Brooks has managed to reign in on his impulses to plug openings that don't need closing.

I'm willing to bet that my three devoted followers are on facebook, so you've probably seen what the Poll's have been up to. I guess I'll just highlight what I haven't mentioned on there. Christmas came and went, but a milestone was passed. Steve abandoned Christopher & Banks and moved over to the Buckle for my holiday clothing purchase. He claims to have sat outside the store and watched women enter and exit so he could pick out the best in this season's fashion (yes that was in Deb's voice.) I will miss the button sweaters about as much as I miss pulling sprinklers around the yard at brown brick.

I'm happy to announce some changes in myself as well. I've been born again and have found myself addicted to the Biggest Loser. My children are adjusting best they can. Emma is also absorbed with the show, but Brooksie just doesn't know what to do with himself when Mom's engaged to the television and the Broncos aren't playing. For the record, I LOVE Sam and Koli!!!

Speaking of Brooks, he'll be celebrating his 6th birthday next week and I'm celebrating only three more months of kindergarten. The boy wants to be with friends every waking and sleeping moment. If he doesn't have a pal at exactly 11:40, when he gets out of school, it's like roid-rage in the Barbie house - only Barbie ain't skinny and she sure as hell doesn't walk around with a smile plastered on her face.

Emma is getting ready to slap the softball around seriously again. She practiced here and there through most of the winter anyway, but the tournaments and league will be here before we know it. Her and I had the joyous opportunity to attend the maturation program yesterday. Steve suffered flu-like symptoms all day because of it. He ran my text usage up with rants of Daddy don't let your daughters grow up to be pretty and talk to boys. He's about 11 years too late since Emma came out of the womb all covered in gorgeous.

Basically, life is life as usual. Don't bother asking if I really wrote this at one in the morning. I always laugh when people ask me by email or on facebook if I was truly awake at that time. When I start going to bed before midnight, I'll be knitting Steve his own sweaters for Christmas.